


flip on a switch and everything's fine

by whatiwroteinink



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, ESP melchior, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, M/M, also ernst and melchior ARE NOT gonna be a thing, anyway theyre all less assholes in this, because they deserve it, but yeah, i mean they still all have healing and growing to do, im sorry, the major character death is just for moritz, theyre just really good friends, wendla doesnt die cause... modern medicine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 12:39:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatiwroteinink/pseuds/whatiwroteinink
Summary: “And it’s not like I don’t get it,” he signed, blinking a few tears back before he continued. He looked down, avoiding his image in his camera’s viewfinder. “I get it, I really do. His life was awful. If I were him, I’d fucking… I’d kill myself too. But I also hate him for it. I hate him and I hate myself.”:::::::moritz is dead, and melchior's world is falling apart. his friends are there to help, but he still needs to pick up the peices himself.:::::::edit as of 8.30.19: melchiors not trans anymore cause i literally just realized he wouldn't have gotten wendla pregnant as a trans 16 y/o! sorry guys he's still trans in my heart





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> signed is italic, spoken is regular text!! also sorry for angst he'll get happier i promise. oh and the author is hearing so if anything is off PLEASE don’t be afraid to tell me about it!

Melchior hadn’t left his room in days. He didn’t see any need to. All his mind was trained on was _him_. 

But he was gone. So what was there left to do?

Sit. And read. And write.

And cry.

Idly, he checked his messages. A video from Ernst signed with shaky hands saying he was there for him. A meme from Hanschen. A note from Wendla saying she wanted to talk with him, but only when he was ready. 

And his last message from Moritz. A goodnight text. From that night.

 

 **moritz_:** gn melchi. i love you. really.

 

That was it. That was all he had left. 

Melchior journaled too. All videos- the words came out of him easiest when he signed, and his hands cramped less than when he was writing for hours on end. 

Some videos were under ten minutes. Some were hours. He supposed they’d be nice to show to his therapist, when he went back in, but he hadn’t done that yet.

He hadn’t left his room in days. 

His glasses fell down the brim of his nose as he wiped at his eyes, and he left them there for a second before sniffing and pushing them back up. 

 _“And it’s not like I don’t get it,”_ he signed, blinking a few tears back before he continued. He looked down, avoiding his image in his camera’s viewfinder. _“I get it, I really do. His life was awful. If I were him, I’d fucking… I’d kill myself too. But I also hate him for it. I hate him and I hate myself.”_

He choked, a desperate sob caught in his throat. 

 _“That’s all for today, folks,”_ he joked mirthlessly, and then reached over and shut his camera off. He buried his head in his hands and cried.

He was still like that, sitting on his bed with his arms around his knees and his head down, when he heard a bang on the wall by his door and looked up. His mom was standing in the doorway, looking at him expectantly. When he finally caught her eyes, she looked him up and down and sighed. 

_“Your friend is here, he’s brought cookies, and if you don’t talk to him today I’m inviting him back for tea every afternoon until you do.”_

_“Ok,”_ Melchior sighed. _“Five minutes. Send him up?”_

His mom closed the door.

Melchior stretched out his legs and rubbed at his nose. He didn’t know what he’d asked for the five minutes for. He already had a sweatshirt and pajama pants on, and given that the friend was probably Ernst he wasn’t going to any more effort than that. 

So he just sat, and dabbed at his face with his sleeve, and waited. 

Soon, he heard a gentle knock at his door. It slowly cracked open and Ernst walked in. 

“Hi,” Melchior said softly. 

“Hi,” Ernst replied, his voice high and lilting. 

He knew Ernst couldn’t hear the break in his voice, but the concern on his face was appreciated anyway. 

“You okay?”

“Not really, but what else can be expected?” 

“Yeah.”

“It’s just-” Melchior paused, breathing out shakily. _“Sorry, can we switch? I can’t really breathe and I know your ASL isn’t the best but I’m talking kinda fast and you’re not gonna be able to read my lips anyways, so can we just-”_

Ernst grabbed Melchior’s hands, his soft skin meeting rougher callouses from years of climbing trees.

_“It’s fine, Melchi.”_

_“Thanks. You also don’t know it but you’re pretty loud. And I haven’t spoken out loud in like 72 hours and it’s hard to make my mouth move. Cottony.”_

_“It’s fine.”_

They sat in silence for a bit (because what else would they do?), rubbing circles into each other’s thumbs because they both needed the comfort.

Suddenly, Ersnt extracted his hands from Melchior’s grip and sat up. Melchior whined at the loss of contact, causing his glasses to slip down his nose again as he leaned forward into his friend. 

 _“I miss him,”_ Ernst signed, his movements slow and gentle.

_“Me too.”_

There was a beat.

_“What were you going to say earlier?”_

_“Sorry?”_ Melchior asked, confused.

_“Right before we started signing. You were going to say something.”_

“Oh,” Melchior said aloud, the noise barely leaving his lips an exhale but there nonetheless. _“I was just gonna say… I miss him. I miss him so much. But I also hate him for it.  For what he did. For leaving me. I can’t fucking express it, I would give anything to have him back but I know I would hate him for it all the momen’t I saw him.”_

Ernst repeated one of the signs Melchior had used with a puzzled expression on his face, holding his fists by his chest and then opening his hands as he pushed them away from his body. 

 _“Oh, sorry,”_ Melchior signed. “Express,” he said aloud, repeating the sign as he spoke and allowing Ernst to read his lips. “I can’t express it.”

_“Thanks.”_

_“It’s fine.”_

_“You know it’s okay that you’re mad, right? That’s normal.”_ _  
_ _“I know,”_ Melchior signed softly, hardly moving his hands. _“It doesn’t make me hate myself any less, though.”_

_“Melchior-”_

_“No stop,”_ Melchior signed, his movements becoming more erratic as everything he hadn’t said yet built up in his chest and threatened to spill out. _“You don’t understand. The way he had been acting… he hadn’t been home for days._ Days _, Ernst. His dad must have been scaring him so much, and I didn’t notice._

 _“This is the last thing he said to me,”_ Melchior fumbled for his phone, opening his instagram to show Ernst the message. _“He said he loved me. That’s the message he wanted to go out with. And what did I send back? A fucking heart emoji? I didn’t even… there are so many things I never said to him. And now I’ll never have the chance.”_ With this, Melchior promptly dissolved into tears. They ran hot and sticky down his face, warming his cheeks and ripping sobs from his throat that he was the only one in the room who could hear.

“Oh, Melchi,” Ernst murmured, roughly wrapping his arms around Melchior’s shaking figure. “It’s ok. We’re here for you. You’ll be ok.”

Melchior could only hope that would be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks! come follow me on tumblr @and-its-only-us and @what-i-wrote-in-ink!! also for this story specifically i want a lot of stuff with everyone (but esp melchior) getting... better. so you can comment suggestions for what you wanna see next! if it doesn't fit i'll put it in another story :)
> 
> comment and kudos!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall im so sorry this chapters so short sksksk. no real intense tw but melchior's kinda dissasociating a lil if thats an issue for you? anyway i'm gonna try and post another short chapter today or tmrw before i start working on the next long one! thx for sticking with it

“You haven’t been in in a while.”

Melchior paused. He didn’t know what to say to that.

“I know.”

“Why?”

He stopped, for a moment. A shaky inhale of breath.  _ Keep it together, Melchi. Don’t break now. _

“My mom made this appointment. She- you’ve been told. Why I’m here. You know.”

“I want you to tell me.”

“Why?” he whispered, his eyes downcast. She just sighed. 

“Why haven’t you been in in a while, Melchior?”

“I haven’t felt up to it, I guess.”

She smiled at him. Impatient, but not unkind.

“Why, Melchior? I need you to say it. You know you need to say it.”

“It’s because… Moritz.”

“Moritz?”

Melchior exhaled. He could already feel tears welling up behind his eyes, burning hot and freezing at the same time. There wasn’t any hope in staying collected anymore.

“Moritz. Because Moritz. He died. Killed himself. Whatever. Moritz is dead.”

Melchior breathed.

“He’s gone.”

Melchior murmered.

“And he’s not coming back.”

Melchior dissolved. 

::::::

Dimly, Melchior registered his mom’s hands moving, but staring at the silence in the room was easier than formulating some sort of response to her questions.

There was a soft bang on the table. 

_ “Melchior?”  _  She asked as soon as he looked up at her. 

_ “Sorry,”  _  He signed softly. 

The lights in the room buzzed dully.

“ _ How was Dr. Morton today?” _

_ “Fine.”  _

_ “Are you going back next week?” _

_ “Yes, mother.” _

Melchior hadn’t touched his dinner yet. He heard the wind blowing gently outside, coloring the sky blue.

There was a pause. A  lull in the conversation. A break in the quiet that gave way to more silence.

“ _ Melchior-” _

_ “Mother?” _

_ “I’m worried about you! You aren’t eating, you’re hardly sleeping… every night before I go to bed and every morning as soon as I wake up all I see is the light from your camera glowing under your door. You’re scaring me, Mel!” _

Somewhere in the neighborhood, a dog began barking. 

“ _ I’m scaring myself, mama.” _

_ “Melchior-” _

The lights buzzed. The wind blew. The dog barked. It was still quiet.

Melchior stood up, turning to leave the room.

“ _ I’m going to bed, mother.” _

She reached out her hand to him, but didn’t follow. 

Inside the house, the silence screamed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks! come follow me on tumblr @and-its-only-us and @what-i-wrote-in-ink!! 
> 
> i love requests for my chapters so you can comment suggestions for what you wanna see next! if it doesn't fit my idea for this story i'll probably write a oneshot.
> 
> comment and kudos!


	3. Chapter 3

Time heals everything, and Melchior was doing better. 

He hated himself for it. 

Every time he smiled he remembered that Moritz couldn’t anymore. Everything he enjoyed, he thought about Moritz missing it. 

And there was nothing to do without Moritz. So he took a lot of walks.

He walked to the graveyard, and to his tree, and to the river. He hadn’t gone into the woods yet. He couldn’t bring himself to be there. 

It was on one such walk when he ran into Wendla. He was by his tree. It felt like last time.

_ “Melchior?” _

_ “Wendla.” _

They stared at each other for a moment, and the air hung thick with words that hadn’t been said. Couldn’t be said.

_ “This is… This is your spot, I can go, if you’d like-” _

_ “No. No, Wendla, stay. If you still want to see me.” _

_ “Of course, Melchior.” _

They both slid to the ground, sitting next to each other in the afternoon shade.

“A tree nymph, fallen from the branches…” Melchior murmured.

_ “What, Melchi?” _ Wendla asked, turning towards him.

His heart seized when she called him that. He didn’t deserve it anymore.

_ “Nothing. Just…” _ Melchior stopped, looking down.”  _ I think I loved you.” _

_ “Melchi, I-” _

“No!” Melchior yelled, and Wendla started from his sudden movement. “ _ No. Let me finish. I don’t deserve to be called that, by you. I loved you. Maybe it was only for a moment, but I loved you as much as I loved him. And I’d like to think that you loved me. Trusted me. And I betrayed that fucking trust. _

_ “I did something to you that no one  _ ever _ deserves, because I was sad and I was selfish. And I can’t ever repair that. And I’m so fucking terrified I’m going to loose you just like I lost him.” _

They stood in stillness for a moment, drinking in the wind and the evening sun. Melchior blinked against tears. He wasn’t going to cry in front of her. 

_ “Melchior… You won’t lose me, I don’t want… what Moritz did… I don’t want that,”  _ she paused here, smiling softly before she continued.  _ “And I loved you too. In the moment. We’re just kids. We didn’t know.” _

_ “I should have,”  _ Melchior signed, and the tears began to roll down his face. He wasn’t sobbing, though. It was just release.

Eventually, they both found themselves on the grass below the tree, barely touching yet somehow both holding each other as tightly as they could. Soft tears fell down both of their cheeks, and they didn’t feel the need to speak. Eventually though, a church bell chimed the hour, and Melchior stirred.

_ “It’s getting late,”  _ he signed, pulling back from Wendla. 

_ “I suppose,”  _ she responded, looking up at the darkening sky.

They stared at each other a moment more, and then:

_ “I’m sorry I-” _

_“You wanted to tell me-”_ _  
__“You first,”_ Melchior signed, laughing softly despite himself. 

_ “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you more,” _ Wendla said, tucking her hair behind her ear.  _ “Or not that, exactly. I’m just sorry this all happened the way it did.” _

_ “Me too.” _

_ “What was it you wanted to say, Melchi?” _

_ “Oh. Just-”  _ he paused. Collected his thoughts. Tried again.  _ “You texted me. I saw it, the other day. You wanted to talk to me. I assume about…”  _ His eyes glanced vaguely downward, towards her stomach. They flitted back up. 

_ “Yes.”  _ she smiled quietly at him. There was a stretch of stillness before she moved again. _ “What we did- I mean, I assume you know, that I…”  _ she brought her hand to the top of her abdomen but didn’t complete the sign. Melchior just looked at her, a silent sign for her to continue. 

_ “I got rid of it. Of course. Not that you needed to have a say, but-” _

_ “It’s fine Wendla. I would have chosen the same thing.” _

_ “Right. Maybe one day, I would have been ready, but…” _

_ “Yeah.” _

Another stretch of silence. The sun sank lower.

_ “And I know you blame yourself, Melchi, but I don’t blame you for what happened between us. We’re just kids. Everything that happened last year, you, and me, and Moritz…” _

Melchior looked at her, his eyes shining. Suddenly, he pulled her into a hug, knocking his chest against her and fisting his hands on the back of her dress. They stayed like that for a few minutes, just breathing against each other, before he pulled back.  
_“You were always too good for me, Wendla. Both of you. I guess that’s why I fell in love. You’re just too good for me.”_

_ “I know I am,”  _ Wendla joked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She stood, pulling Melchior to his feet.  _ “Now come on, walk me home. Ernst said he left cookies at your house?” _

Melchior laughed, grabbing Wendla’s hand and starting off through the field, and almost felt like he should again. 

Like they were just kids.


End file.
